Is the stadium finished? I saw something like a giant helter skelter, and that didn’t look finished at all… So many things could go wrong with the Olympics. It’s not too late to cancel…

You know how it is when you decide to hold a summer party and then you wake up in a cold sweat a few days before it’s due to happen, worrying that no one will turn up, you haven’t ordered enough food and drink, and it will be raining? Well I’ve been doing that over the Olympics.
I wake up at 3am and think: has Kenya replied yet? Will there be enough chairs? We have the whole world turning up in a few weeks and we haven’t even been round with the Dyson yet. I know these games are nothing to do with me and that I should mind my own business, but I’ve been having these nagging, low-level anxiety attacks regardless. It might be because people seem to be so eerily calm about it. That is usually a sign that everyone is thinking the same thing: someone else is in charge.
I mean, who is in charge? Is it Seb Coe? I may have been dreaming this, but I’m sure I saw Bryony Gordon carrying the Olympic torch the other day. Is she in charge?
Don’t tell me it’s Boris. It’s Boris, isn’t it? I love Boris to bits but, as I mentioned in a column not long ago, he can be quite eccentric. That idea about putting missiles on top of a block of flats, it’s got his fingerprints all over it.
Anyway, whoever is in charge, what I want to know is: have they remembered to invite America? And China? Because you can’t have the gymnastics without the Chinese, they’re insane at it. And Greece? We can’t not invite them, because they invented the games, but who are we going to put them next to?

Has someone collected the medals from the jewellers? Because it will be embarrassing if we have to tell athletes their gongs will be sent on to them in a few weeks, if they leave their names and addresses.

I keep thinking about the fiasco that was millennium night at the Dome: massive queues, general disappointment, angst. It was as if everyone was paralysed by a deadline that was approaching with all the monumental inevitability of a freight train. Will the Olympics be like that? Will President Putin be stuck in a Heathrow immigration queue for five hours? Because he won’t like that, and you know what he does to people who cross him.
And what about the opening ceremony? Is that all in hand? Who have we got? Please tell me we have Paul McCartney singing Hey Jude, because that is what guests will be expecting. We can’t just fob them off with One Direction. And the fireworks? Are they being kept in a dry container? And where are the guests going to stay? Is there an Olympic village for them or something, because I’m sure that’s what you’re expected to provide. Transport to the events, has someone thought of that? Water in the pool? Starting pistols: has someone checked they are working? Tape? We’ll need plenty of finishing line tape.
I’m sure people have already thought of these things, but I just want them to double check… I take it the stadium is finished. I saw something in the papers the other day that looked like a giant helter skelter and that didn’t look finished at all. And I’m pretty sure helter skeltering isn’t even a proper Olympic event.
Perhaps it’s not too late to cancel. Tell the rest of the world we’re not feeling very well and we’ve gone back to bed. If Italy has already booked a babysitter and ordered a taxi, too bad.